Tuesday, January 18, 2011

One Hundred Things .... Gus

A collection of lists. Take the challenge. 100 things about yourself. Streaming flow of consciousness, as personal or as general as you care to make it...but make it count. You might learn something about yourself and I promise it's better than 20 questions!





1. I never really know how to start off a list of things about myself.
2. I really dig a color that’s a combination of pink/purple, but refer to it as “Tattoo Purple” so it’s less feminine.
3. When I was a kid, I thought antacids were made from crushed ants.
4. I hate the fact that Hollywood is stuck remaking movies that were already remade once before.
5. I don’t understand why people rush out to buy the latest cell phone, then bitch about it being “sucky”.
6. I hate every movie in the Twilight series.
7. I’m comfortable with the idea of Tom Cruise possibly being the Anti-Christ.
8. If I eat breakfast, it’s cause I force-fed myself.
9. I’ve never thought that Brittney Spears, Jessica Simpson or Lindsay Lohan were hot.
10. I don’t get why a 3 minute phone conversation has to be drawn out into a 22 minute texting session.
11. I often catch myself spacing out and thinking of the weirdest things…Like…what if monkeys could use surf boards.
12. I think the programmers on The History Channel are really Nazis…or slowly becoming one.
13. I liked MTV better when it was actually about ‘music’.
14. I like to tell people “I’m writing a book” because saying “I’m using Microsoft Works to type out a book” takes way too much time/effort.
15. I wonder if Jim Henson started developing a fisting obsession.
16. I miss Saturday morning cartoon fests.
17. I’ve never had AIDS.
18. I love it when my therapist comes over to my house for our ‘sessions’ just to bob his head while I talk to him. It makes me feel like there’s music in the room that I’m oblivious to.
19. I used to want to be Superman…but now, I don’t ever see me wanting to wear my underwear over my pants in public.
20. I once stayed up to watch a Cheech and Chong movie just because there would be naked girls in it.
21. I totally laugh every time my daughter farts.
22. I dig the fact that most major holidays are on the same day ever year.
23. I’m totally a Star Wars geek…I mean…fan.
24. When someone cuts me off while I’m driving, I HAVE to drive up next to them to see what they look like.
25. I have NO idea what possible good could come of #24.
26. I have no problems admitting that I think George Michael is a great singer. Or at least, used to be.
27. I once stapled my hand to see if it would hurt. It hurt.
28. When I hear a tattoo gun, I start to go thru withdrawals.
29. I don’t understand how rainbows make someone gay.
30. I’m obsessed with video games and talk to my girlfriend about them like they’re real life scenarios.
31. One of my legs is slighter larger than the other, but I don’t know which one it is.
32. When I was a Cub Scout, I could care less about earning badges.
33. I had no idea how exactly stinky poop was until I took a dump into a bucket.
34. I love to say “11teen” instead of eleven.
35. I think the term “Special Needs” is just as offensive.
36. I think the song “If You’re Happy and you Know It” is offensive to kids with only one hand.
37. I used to fantasize about being in a wheelchair…mostly during gym class.
38. I have no idea why guys have a problem with buying tampons.
39. I love my girlfriend more than chocolate.
40. I have a certificate for Improv Comedy from Second City Chicago…but don’t know why this list sucks.
41. I went thru the 80’s Metal Spandex phase for like…a week.
42. Sometimes, when I’m bored, I make crank calls just to amuse myself.
43. I can never actually picture Ellen having lesbian sex…or any sex for that matter.
44. Oscar the Grouch was my hero.
45. I once saw my dad’s balls flop out of his underwear during an argument. It was horrible…but ended the fight with a weird silence.
46. I think Sally Struthers needs to stop eating all of Africa’s food supply while she’s there.
47. I’ve never had a ‘man-crush’ on any actor.
48. I used to think that G.I. Joe guys were real.
49. I think it would be hilarious if clowns had sprinkles in their poop.
50. I don’t understand why the tech-support agent on the phone is named “Robert” when he clearly is an Arab dude.
51. I once got a tattoo based only around the fact that it was the most painful area to get tattooed.
52. When I was 13, my mom would buy me bottles of Jack Daniels to bring to band practice.
53. I think I’ve ran out of ’poop’ jokes.
54. I really think I’m starting to develop ADHD since I..
55. I’ve always wanted an ALF doll, but never got one *tear*
56. I think 50 Cent sucks almost as much as Elton John.
57. I still have a hard time saying ’vagina’ to an 8 year old. I just say “your junk’ instead.
58. I can’t wait for this list to be over.
59. I used to tell my parents that an F on my report card meant fantastic!
60. If Facebook had an ugly contest, I’d be afraid I’d win.
61. I used to dance on my front porch while spinning Michael Jackson albums on my Snoopy record player.
62. I always hated my name “Constantine” until the Keanu Reeves movie came out. Heh
63. I used to roller skate in my friends basement listening to The Bee Gees thinking “Man, it doesn’t get any better than this!”
64. Every time I see a guy wearing a leather jacket with fringe on it, It reminds me of how much I truly hate Bon Jovi.
65. I also hate the fact that I just had to add the word Jovi t the Microsoft Works dictionary!
66. In Sunday School, they showed us pictures of Hell to scare us…But it backfired. I wanted to go there since all the people were naked.
67. If I actually put one of my guitars away in its case, I feel like I’m suffocating a child of mine.
68. I once puked and laughed at the same time. Try it…it’s not easy.
69. The number 69 always makes me giggle like a schoolgirl.
70. I love it when your friends say “that tastes like crap!” right before they hand it over to you to try.
71. I’m obsessed over the weird stuff my daughter says.
72. I don’t think aliens would fly millions of light years just to fly past Iowa for 2 seconds.
73. I think we should stop letting clowns sell us food.
74. I think it would be awesome if a UFO crashed into a Scientologist church.
75. Speaking of which…Can we all just boycott all Tom Cruise movies until he finally goes out of the closet?
76. I’m super glad that I have yet to see anyone I know on ‘To Catch a predator”.
77. There really is no difference between Myspace and Facebook.
78. I’m really glad they (kinda) stopped making those morality movies aimed towards black males in the ghetto.
79. I love reading comic books, but haven’t read a comic book in years.
80. I used to want to be in the Special Olympics.
81. I once farted so loud in church (while singing in the choir) that the priest actually stopped to turn and look at me with the evil eye.
82. When I was a kid, we would put plays on ever year in Greek School. I would learn all of my parts, then, replace them for my own jokes the night of the show.
83. I used to pretend that Bruce Willis was my dad.
84. Out of all the boys bands, I think The Spice Girls were the best.
85. I don’t understand why everyone drinks only the liquor that’s deemed socially popular…for that minute.
86. I really wish I had more poop jokes right about now.
87. I’ve never watched a full episode of “Friends” and I’m proud.
88. I used to think that Mr. Rogers had the ability to jump out of the screen and kill me if I was being bad.
89. I don’t understand how Ozzy Osbourne can ditch his accent while singing, but Garth Brooks’ country twang still remains.
90. I hate people who are obsessed with math, it just don’t add up.
91. I really hate that last joke and almost wish I didn’t just write it.
92. I wish I invented the teabag that looks like a tampon.
93. I’ve been known to accidentally Dutch Oven myself during the night.
94. This comment shouldn’t count…or should it? Hmmmm
95. I hope the entire cast of Twilight all die in a fire.
96. I think American Idol should just be called “You Suck”.
97. I think that if Elton John had a sex tape leaked to the public, it would be really gay.
98. I’ve never had a crush on a female superhero.
99. I totally lied on the last one. Teehee
100. All of the above are true…except for #98...obviously.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

#45 made me laugh harder than I have in a long time.

Kathleen (One Tree Past The Fence) said...

You know something ...


I'm still rolling over that one.